Given that most people seem to know that the divorce rate in contemporary America is about 50 percent for first timers (the odds for 2nd and 3rd marriages are even worse), I was curious whether some people would feel a little bit queezy about uttering the promise Till Death Do us Part. SAM ROBERTS in today’s New York Times reports that a few couples indeed try inject a bit realism in their marriage vows.

THE Rev. Calvin O. Butts III, pastor of Harlem’s Abyssinian

Baptist Church, was stunned recently when three couples who

wanted him to preside at their weddings asked if he would

alter the traditional marriage vows. Forget the

till-death-do-us-part injunction, they suggested. Instead,

would he mind substituting a more realistic escape clause,

say, “as long as our love shall last”?

Dr. Butts did mind. His advice: Find another minister.

“I give them a little homily about why we say marriage is
greater than love,” Dr. Butts said. “No one is forcing you
to get married. We want people, if they make this kind of
commitment, to make it for life.”

Round engagement rings, symbolizing eternity, predate the
Roman Empire. One version of the familiar oath – “til death
us departe” – was codified as long ago as 1549 in Edward
VI’s “Book of Common Prayer.” In one form or another,
couples have customarily plighted their undying – or is it
dying? – troth to each other for ages. Maybe they meant it.
Maybe not. Regardless, historically most marriages – for
better or for worse – ended in death.

Not any more.

Precise figures are hard to come by, but beginning about 20
years ago more marriages appeared likely to end in divorce
than in death. If you’ve already been married for decades
the chances of divorce are relatively slim (although as
life spans stretch, compatibility is obviously put to the
test longer). But the National Center for Health Statistics
has projected that even with an increase in cohabitation
before marriage, about half of those marrying for the first
time will wind up divorcing. Couples whose first marriages
end in divorce typically get the itch to separate within
about seven years.

“It is accurate that at least half end in divorce,” says
Andrew Cherlin, a sociology professor at Johns Hopkins
University. Which is one reason many couples are hedging
their bets.

When Ulcca Joshi and Christopher Hansen married at a
friend’s farm in New Jersey in 2001, they composed their
own vows and deliberately excluded any reference to “until
death do us part.”

“My parents certainly said that in their vows, but they
divorced after 33 years,” Mr. Hansen recalled. “You can’t
promise at 25 that you’re never going to change.”

“We didn’t want to make any promises we couldn’t keep,” the
bride said. “The way we phrased it, there’s a daily
recommitment to the marriage.”

Thus far, the couple are still happily married and living
in Britain, where both are studying for their doctorates.

In law and religion, the degree of required commitment runs
the gamut. In France, even death is not necessarily an
obstacle to marriage. Under a 1959 law, it is legally
possible to marry a dead person, as Christelle Demichel did
earlier this year when, with the president’s approval, she
wed her fiancé, who had been killed by a drunken driver a
year earlier while riding his motorcycle.

In San Francisco, typical vows for gay marriages ask the
couple whether they will love, comfort and honor each other
“as long as you both shall live.”

Jewish weddings customarily do not include any such vow,
because Jewish law has recognized divorce for thousands of
years.

In the Roman Catholic church, couples can pledge to unite
“until death do us part” or “all the days of my life.”

“The permanence of the marriage vows has to be expressed,”
said Msgr. Anthony Sherman, associate director of the
secretariat for the liturgy of the United States Conference
of Catholic Bishops.

The bishops affirmed that requirement in 1969, the
monsignor said, after too many couples began drafting their
own vows.

David Blankenhorn, president of the pro-marriage Institute
for American Values, maintains that vows define a marriage.
Saying they are just words, he says, is like saying the
marriage certificate is just a piece of paper.

“The vow exists on its own, exerting social and sacred
authority that is independent of the couple,” he has
written. And he argues that its symbolic value has been
undermined by two trends: leaving the duration of the
commitment vague or unstated, and allowing couples to
compose their own vows.

“The new vows are created by the couple and presented to
society,” he writes, “signifying the goal of conforming
marriage to the couple.”

While composing original vows can be liberating, it can
also push law and religion into uncharted territory. In an
installment of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” on HBO, Larry David
and his TV wife, Cheryl, celebrate their 10th anniversary
by renewing their vows. Cheryl recommits herself to their
marriage “not only throughout this lifetime but after
death, through all eternity.”

“I thought this was over at death,” Larry says glumly. “I
guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought I’d be
single.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/06/27/weekinreview/27robe.html?ex=1089343343&ei=1&en=14fa2880619754f2